English humor

Дата: Пятница, 30.03.2012, 14:09 | Сообщение # 1

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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

— Сan you tell me the name of 3 great kings who've brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
— Drin-king, smo-king and fuc-king

- Are you training to the race ?
- No, I am racing to the train !

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

- What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has one letter?
- Envelope!

- What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
- A stamp.

- What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
- A blackboard.

- Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
- Because he had no-body to go with!

Под самым красивым хвостом павлина скрывается самая обычная куриная жопа. Так что меньше пафоса, господа.